Welcome to my World

A big part of what I want this blog to be is transparent. I want to share with my followers the inner thoughts of a self proclaimed kind of odd 20 year old. I do not think it is possible to be fully transparent without talking a bit about my romantic life, and for that reason that is what this post is all about. So get ready for a roller coaster ride.

Anyone who knows me, knows I get very all in with anything I do. Recently, I cancelled a date with a super nice guy to end up sitting at home waiting for another guy to text me back. This guy who I have gone on a few dates with also recently told me he thinks we would work best just as friends. This was frustrating because for lack of a better way to describe it this is not the first time I’ve been pre dumped. You know dumped before you’re even dating?

Don’t get me wrong, in this instance I really respected this guy telling me this as we’re at kind of a weird stage and I do agree it feels like friendship is forming more than anything else. But getting pre dumped is the worst thing ever. At this point you’ve only really started being yourself and guys are like nope not interested. This can be a bit of a confidence blow.

Also, because I did not think I was good looking and did not talk to boys in the first two years of highschool, I am now confident in myself but not yet my relationship skills.

When I started getting attention in university I loved it a bit too much, I almost wanted to see how far I could take it. Going out was a game of how many guys I could get attention from. I didn’t want a relationship, I wanted to have every guy in the room attracted to me. Not a good mindset for dating.

I used to be a bit frustrated, I didn’t get the opportunity to make dating mistakes in highschool. Now I have accepted that making mistakes at any point in your life is fine. And boy have I made mistakes.

Lets talk about the first guy I ever really liked. This is important as the way I felt about him impacted me for a really long time. Influencer, Indy Blue, wrote a beautiful post about the seasons of life and her relationships within them. Here is the link. Relationships don’t define our lives but they can be crucial to the stages we go through.

In a season of my life where I was unsure about myself this guy made me laugh and when I was around him I felt like the best version of myself. Our fling was dramatic and I love drama. It became a game, that at a certain point I started to enjoy because I wanted to win. This made me feel more alive than I ever had. And after this I craved relationships that made me feel alive. This led to a period of my life of me being a bit obsessive over guys who made me feel alive.

The mistake I made with the first guy was not realizing that the ultimate change in my happiness had nothing to do with him. Yes, he is a great guy but I put him on a pedestal. And after him I craved the emotion of feeling alive. But the feeling I had at that point in my life had nothing to do with him, that is what I have just recently realized.

The way I have dated in the past is now in the past. Now I look at guys differently and when a guy is not interested, I accept that as what it is, not as a challenge. But I do not regret the past, I needed it to be the way I was to become the person I am now.

Back to the most current guy, yes he “dumped” me before we were even a couple and this worries me that I am bad at dating. This time though, rejection didn’t light a flame within me and this has nothing to do with him. I am starting to realize it’s me who makes my relationships fun. What I put into something is what I get back.

This guy made me feel like I was able to be myself, but I have ultimately I have felt like that for the last few months.

I hope if anyone younger than me is reading this post, the lesson you take away is that we all experience life at different speeds. I was not ready to date in highschool even if I didn’t know it at the time. Heck I do not really even know if I’m ready to date yet, I’m still working on myself.

I might be better looking now, which highschools girls if you are reading this is something to look forward too, but I was not ugly in highschool, and I wish I had known I did not need attention from the opposite sex to realize that I am beautiful in my own way.

So what if I was bad at dating? We have to be bad at something before we can get good at it right?